Last night one of my childhood dreams came true.
And I wasn’t there.
Elise Helmke playing "Soñando en Español" in Rehearsal with the Grand Junction Symphony
It happens all the time – but I knew about it this time.
This is part of the loneliness of the long-distance composer – or anyone who creates things that other people bring to life: our own art crowds us out of the picture it fills with itself.
Every parent feels it. Every composer feels it. It’s the human experience that is the same, no matter how different the things are that we do with our lives.
And last night it happened to me – this being-where-I’m-not, this not-being-where-I- am.
Last night a young harpist in Colorado stepped on stage with a symphony orchestra and after months of practicing, played my harp concerto “Soñando en Español.”
The first person to ever play the full piece besides me.
Until that moment, the piece was mine.
As a performing composer, I often think of myself as a living tutorial. Maybe that’s one reason I’ve always felt so safe on the stage. I never think: “I’m performing this piece. I always think, “if you were to perform this piece, you’d do it like this!”
And last night, Elise Helmke sat down at her harp and performed my concerto … “like that” … and more.
I watched her develop the piece in our coaching sessions over Skype. I wrote whole new sections for her and watched her taking ownership the piece during those months of practice.
And as I hear myself say “during those months of practicing” I think: no, those months are not the salient detail – -they’re just the means. In those months she became the player of that piece.
And even that’s not correct.
She and the piece are no longer two separate things. It’s like a backwards pregnancy. It is as if … through months of practice, something outside of her became part of her.
I saw it happen – the music filling with her – the 2nd movement swelling with her sense of romance, the final movement exploding with her sense of passion.
And I know that last night when she walked onto stage, and sat at her instrument, and raised her hands to play the notes — she was no longer playing my piece – she was playing her piece.
So welcome to the world … and fare-thee-well, my Soñando. You’re now in new hands.
Deborah, this was so beautiful and heart-felt! I’ve never heard this feeling expressed so vividly (or expressed at ALL for that matter). Congratulations on sending this lovely piece out into the world and giving its give both to other performers and to new worlds of listeners. Who knows, maybe someone in that audience will start playing the harp because of what they heard on stage last night…and who knows, they may end up playing that piece some day too. One never knows how far the ripples will go.
Dear Deborah, I have two comments.
One is that your verbal composition above shows real maturity. And a sense of self that is strong enough to rejoice as someone else makes your music her own. The other is that in an earlier era you would not have been able to witness Elise Helmke’s growth toward and into this piece. Thanks.
(I wonder whether someone not named Mary will write the next comment.)
You are so right! I DID get to be so much a part of this even from some thousands of miles of distance because of technology like Skype! Thank you for pointing that out. In an earlier era I would have missed out entirely.
I didn’t even mention the third element of our triumvirate – Noah, the harpist-and-music-copyist who was taking all the music I was writing for Elise and getting it into a form that she could print and read! Noah’s on the West Coast, and we share files by Dropbox.
And of these –including the ability to create digital scores and send them via PDF are developments of the last 20 years (at least as far as my usability goes). I am so grateful for that. Remind me of that the next time I’m yelling at my computer.
Thanks so much to ALL the Mary’s who’ve commented here!
Congratulations!! It was inevitable and hopefully, the first of many. Scott
A beautiful harp reminds me of Waltie.